Dead Parenting
by FriTik
Summary: Naruto wishes he had a friend. Fortunately the big scary monster in the cage said he would be his best friend! All he has to do is take off the little sheet of paper on the bars. What could go wrong?


**This had to be written because this idea would** _ **not**_ **leave me alone. I came up with the idea a few months ago and jotted it down in my notes, a week ago I was looking through my notebook and found it again and haven't been able to get it out of my head since.**

 **Anyway first oneshot! Woo! Hope you enjoy!**

 **Warning: This is like 90% crack.**

* * *

 _Uzumaki Naruto POV..._

It can be said that Uzumaki Naruto did not have an entirely pleasant childhood.

Oh, there were certainly parts of it he enjoyed of course, like going out for ramen with the old man and pranking people so they would see _him_ instead of whatever it was that made them glare with utter hatred in their eyes.

But overall his life by the age of four and a half had not exactly been the most enjoyable of experiences

Case and point, his current situation of being unconscious.

No he most certainly was not beat to the point of near death by a mob of angry and spiteful civilians of his birthday, don't be silly. While many ninja, even those in ANBU may not like him very much, they are certainly willing to tolerate him and would never allow such an event to occur. Besides, just because no mob formed Naruto was not stupid enough to go outside on the one day everyone was even meaner and angrier towards him than normal.

Also to this point it was not even October, it was actually April so the whole situation regarding his birthday was not even in effect.

What had happened was relatively simple; Naruto had been messing around as children often do playing on a fire-escape near his apartment building as he did not want to go to the park and deal with the glares of parents and even other kids while he played by himself. So if he was going to play by himself either way he would at least do it where he wouldn't have to deal with people glaring at him or continuously depressing attempts to make friends with other kids.

Anyway because he was virtually alone save for his hidden guards to ensure the young lads safety from outside sources, it should come as no surprise that accidents could occur from being improperly supervised.

It was quite embarrassing really, he was pretending to be one of those ninja he had seen hopping from building to building and had swung down from one level of the fire escape to another.

Now, Naruto was most certainly not a ninja at this time despite his dreams to become one in the future. Therefore he was no more capable of using a bar on a fire escape to swing down ten feet and land on his feet, than any other four year old you happen to pick out from the general crowd. Suffice to say it ended badly.

He lost control of the jump and with a cry landed on his head hard enough to knock himself unconscious. The ANBU guards, who up to now had been content watching the child play figuring he was smart enough not to do anything so stupid such as knocking himself out (forgetting that he was literally four, and four year olds had the common sense of your average fantasy evil overlord, therefore none at all), now acted quickly.

The nearest one checked the boys pulse and upon confirming he was alive and, noticing the red currently mixing into his blonde hair, picked the child up bridal style and began moving to the Village's hospital so the boy could be brought to the emergency room. One of his fellows leaped off to alert the Sandaime Hokage of the situation while the rest of the elite ninja followed the one carrying the jinchuuriki.

Unfortunately for all of them none of them knew just what kind of convoluted mess this was going to cause.

Fortunately for us we can know because we can see what's going on in Naruto's head.

We must come to understand first thought, that due to many adults preferring to either glare murderously at him or outright ignoring him, Naruto is a rather attention starved child. This is what led to his rather troublesome habit of pranking as he would rather have someone's annoyance directed at him than their pure undiluted hatred. But what he really wanted was positive attention, he wanted someone who would smile back at him and mean it. Put simply, what he wanted more than anything else, was a friend.

Of course anyone his own age he happened to make any progress with on this front was quickly turned away at the behest of their parents who were concerned for their safety. Not all of these parents were cruel adults who wanted to make a child suffer but were rightfully concerned for their own child's safety and consulting with someone who may or may not be a demon in human flesh was no very safe. The children themselves of course listened to their parents because they were their parents and therefore they were always right.

It is depressing of course but Naruto had it better than some other jinchuuriki, at least he did not have the village leader constantly attempting to assassinate him. But even the better treated ones like himself still found themselves horribly lonely growing up, forced to prove themselves to people who should have needed none in the first place.

Let us now return to our blonde haired hero shall we?

Finding himself in a gigantic sewer pipeline was hardly on his list of things to do today. This was not the first time he had found himself in a situation like this only the last time he had been trying to get to the sewer because he wanted to know what it looked like. The smell had ruined the experience though but this one shared the general feel of the previous one but without the smell.

Yet despite the lack of such a potent smell the sewer still felt disgusting, but in a different way that Naruto could not hope to properly describe. The entire place just felt… wrong.

For that reason that Naruto decided that he preferred the edition that smelled poorly.

It did not take long for the blonde boy to discover the source of the wrongness, which was behind a gigantic set of bars. That kind of made sense, Naruto thought to himself but he wondered what made the thing behind the bars feel wrong.

" **So my jailer comes at…"** A dark horrible voice started behind the bars that made Naruto want to run away and hide. He watched in horror as gigantic rows of teeth appeared along with two spotlight like eyes with slits for pupils. Yet oddly enough once they were upon him they seemed to cloud with confusion as they looked upon him.

" **..."** The thing was silent for a moment as it inspected his unworthy form. **"... I expected you to be bigger by the time you got here and started begging me for my power like the insignificant worm you are."**

"W-who are you?" Naruto managed to stutter out despite the crushing presence of whatever it was in front of him. He knew it was something terrifying though and for the life of him couldn't manage to the strength to act normal right now.

" **Wait, you actually don't know?"** The voice asked rhetorically then went silent for a moment. The thing's eyes narrowed in concentration as it mulled over the information.

"I-I asked you a question, 'ttebayo!" Naruto managed to find some of his courage now that he had begun to become used to the things presence.

" **Well so did I, you worm."** The monster, or at least Naruto had to assume that's what it was due to its large size and terrible voice, brushed him off.

"But I asked first." Naruto whined, feeling less and less afraid the longer he spent here in this sewer outside a cage with a monster.

" **If you don't know who I am then why should I tell you?"** The monster asked and now that Naruto's eyes had been given some time to adjust to the darkness he was able to properly see him.

"Well how the heck am I supposed to know who you are?" Naruto complained even as he began to make out the outline of thing he was talking to. He could tell it was massive, as big as his apartment building- no, way bigger than his apartment building. It looked like it was covered in fur and it had two long ears on its head, kind of like a rabbit.

*THUMP*

Naruto froze in his study of the monster as a jarring sensation shot through him. He realized that the monster must be moving closer.

*THUMP*

Another step and Naruto was able to see more of the monster, including its tails all _nine_ of them. Now that he thought about it the monster in the cage certainly looked a bit more like a fox than it did like a rabbit.

Well that was a tad more sobering.

Not only was he dealing with a monster, but an honest to god demon. One that had destroyed the village and the one that the Yondaime Hokage had died to finally defeat. Except it looked like the demon was still alive somehow.

" **Ah there we go."** The Kyuubi grinned maliciously at him with a twinge of satisfaction mixed in, seeing the terror reawaken on his face. **"Was wondering how long it was going to take you to figure it out."**

Naruto's mouth worked, making the shapes necessary for certain sounds but no words were coming out, just silence. He was attempting to process this odd circumstance.

" **Oh I'm sure you've heard lot's of bad things about me, how I'm evil and all that but I assure you what happened to your village was just an unfortunate happening."** The Kyuubi closed his eyes and nodded solemnly. **"Yes very sad, now if you could just take that paper off and I can go apologize to everyone."** The Kyuubi grinned again with just a bit too many teeth.

Naruto looked up at the piece of paper slapped in the middle of the bars, apparently keeping them shut. It was just a little bit of paper what was the harm of taking it off?

But just as he was reaching for it a question popped into his mind. One that every parent and older sibling dreads hearing from a child as it signaled the start of a very long day.

"Why?" Naruto asked the Kyuubi.

" **Weren't you listening you little idi- err…"** The fox blinked and then continued. **"You little human, so I can apologize?"**

"Why?"

" **Because it's the umm…"** Kyuubi looked thoughtful trying to think of the right words for it. **"Right thing to do? I think that's it anyway."** The demon muttered the last part, albeit said muttering was loud enough to crack glass.

"Why?"

" **Look don't get into a philosophical discussion with me here and take off the damn piece of paper!"** Kyuubi was obviously losing his temple but Naruto did not let up.

"Why?"

" **You're annoying you know that?"** The demon muttered and glared at him.

"Why?"

" **Because you won't stop asking me why."** Kyuubi shot at him.

"Why?"

" **I'm not the one you should be asking that question."** The demon fox told him with a sense of finality clearly thinking he had won the annoying conversation with the four year old whiskered child.

It was not to be however.

"Why?"

The Kyuubi shook with rage and the only thing keeping the blonde boy from crumpling into unconsciousness was the fact that this was not a physical place and that the seal was doing its job of protecting Naruto from the worst of it.

However, the effects were being seen by those in the outside world.

After Naruto had arrived at the hospital and the ANBU guard managed to fast track him to a room and actually getting a doctor looking over him. This being better than allowing them to just send a nurse to say that he's fine before sending him off because they didn't want the Kyuubi, contained or otherwise, inside of a place for the weak and injured.

Sarutobi Hiruzen had just stopped by to ensure that Naruto had not experienced anything life threatening. He had work to do after all and while it was unfortunate that Naruto was hurt as long as there were no lasting effects he could not spend all his time checking on him. It was a depressing fact but one that his own children had learned years prior.

As he waited for the doctor to finish his evaluation he mused on how he was going to manage to finish all of today's paperwork. Seventeen different A-rank and B-rank missions had just reported in before he left and they had requests for dozens more coming in every hour. That was not even entering the economical side of it.

But before his thoughts could get any deeper on the subject of bureaucracy that had been the bane of many great men, something happened to Naruto. The doctor leaped back in horror as red chakra blazed to life around the boys body. Hiruzen leaped to his feet at the feeling of that horrible chakra that had ravaged his village years earlier once more arose.

Something told him he was going to have to deal with a lot more than paperwork today.

* * *

 _Kyuubi/Kurama POV..._

Back inside of Naruto's mindscape the Kyuubi was sizzling in his anger but realizing that it was not helping his case with the boy the demon forced himself to calm down. He did this by counseling himself that once the little idiot had released him he would be able to enjoy ripping apart the boy's mental avatar before being able to destroy the wretched village that had kept him imprisoned for nigh a century.

He just needed a bit of patience.

" **Tell you what kid."** He forced himself to smile again but it may have looked a bit more like a grimace. **"You take off that paper and I'll explain everything."** He promised the small naive child.

"But…" Naruto started trailing off as rage roared to life with a vengeance within the Kyuubi's eyes.

" **But what?"** He growled at the brat.

"How do I know you'll tell me?" He asked the fox demon showing a surprising level of reasoning skills. Well for a four year old anyway.

" **Ah well…"** Kurama thought about how to put this in terms that a four year old would be capable of understanding. It was made slightly more difficult by the fact that he had no intention of fulfilling anything he might say to the child but that difficulty was negligible at best.

A thought occurred to the fox that might have been just crazy enough to work.

" **If you take off that piece of paper then I'll be your best friend."** He told the child, **"Forever, really! What reason would I have to lie to you?"** Well other than the fact that this brat's parents had been responsible for his current situation although which one to blame more was a matter he had dwelled over for the last four years he had been imprisoned.

On the one hand the brat's damnable father was the one who had sealed him yet again, not only that but he had attacked him a toad. _A fucking toad._ What kind of person just up and attacked demons who had only just managed to regain their sense of self? A complete and utter asshole that's what. Even his own siblings as annoying as they may be would never be that rude. Oh and there was that tiny factor of the fact the man had literally _ripped him in half._

Of course to give the man some credit he had been the one to free him from Madara's control so for a few brief moments had been completely free. It was brief true, but considering he had spent the last century or so being used or contained against his will it was a monumental few moments.

Then there was the brat's mother, Uzumaki Kushina. That damn red head bitch that had _agreed_ to allow him to be sealed in her. He had been hoping that when Mito died he might actually be free. He had a bit of respect for that woman, she had stood up to him while her husband had fought his silly little rival that he wanted dead more than anyone else. Then she had the backbone to seal him _into herself_. No backup, no damning someone else to a horrible fate, she did it to herself despite the massive amounts of pain it would cause to have Kurama shoved through her matured chakra coils.

So yeah he could respect Uzumaki Mito.

But Kushina had willingly allowed him to be transferred to him, with no strength of her own. Then all the idiotic situations that girl had gotten him into. Like that whole fucking mess with that other silly human ninja village, Kumo or something? And that was not even counting how her mindscape had him imprisoned. With freaking _chains and stakes_.

Then again her points included managing to chain him down after having just given birth, then having himself ripped out of her. The fact she had still been alive had been a miracle on it's own. So she was evidently pretty tough after all.

Still hated her though. The blonde one too.

Actually he hated all humans. Excluding the Sage.

He didn't count.

Back to the situation at hand Naruto had gained the biggest grin on his face at Kurama's words of friendship and had immediately moved to rip the seal off of the bars.

 _Yes…_

The child's hand reached closer.

 _Yes!_

The boy gripped the small sheet of paper and began tugging, the paper began to tear.

 _YES!_

Then the Yondaime Hokage appeared and quickly pushed the brat away from the slightly damaged seal and pushed Kurama away from his long awaited freedom.

 _NOOOOOO!_

" **DAMMIT!"** The Kyuubi roared his displeasure and allowed his powers to leak through the now damaged seal and into Naruto's physical body causing the demonic chakra to be felt across the leaf village even as the Sandaime had Naruto's unconscious form moved to a safer location.

The Yondaime however didn't pay him much mind and was staring at the child who was now sniffling and rubbing his head. Obviously that bastard had expected his progeny to get hear when he was a lot older too. Actually how the hell did he even get here? Kurama distinctly remembered killing that bastard.

Oh, he probably put his own chakra in as a fail-safe, that made sense. All the same damn that bastard.

"Kyuubi, could you excuse us I think we need to talk." The Yondaime asked somewhat politely but did not even bother waiting for an answer as both himself and his son disappeared from view.

Well, shit.

Kurama glared at the spot the pair had formerly inhabited willing them to appear once more. Of course they failed to so the strongest biju just grunted his discontent and went back to what he had been doing before Naruto had appeared within the mental representation of the seal. Counting the number of bricks in this stupid place.

Let's see what number was he on again?

…

" **DAMN YOU YONDAIME!"**

* * *

 _Namikaze Minato POV…_

This was not how Minato had expected to finally be able to meet his son.

For one he had expected for the seal to have decayed significantly by the time something like this happened so he would have been able to at least gain a basic understanding of the kind of person his son was. He had not been expecting for the seal to suddenly start breaking forcing him to act quickly to stop Naruto from releasing the Kyuubi.

Whatever he had expected the reason for his son attempting to release the Kyuubi it was not what the boy was currently telling him.

"I'm sorry Naruto could you repeat that?" He asked still reeling from what he had just been told and wanting to make sure he had heard right and was not just lost in his own thought processes while the boy had been talking.

"He said that he was sorry for hurting people." His son explained as though he were the one speaking to a child rather than the situation being reversed. "And that if I took off the piece of paper he would be my friend."

That's what he thought his son had said, which was not what he had wanted to hear.

"Naruto you can't just believe anything that people tell you." Minato explained with exasperation rubbing his forehead wondering if it was possible for him to get a migraine in this form. From what he had been planning to do he could only assume that the Shinigami had successfully swallowed his soul and that his current form and consciousness was, was just an imprint of his chakra complete with his memories.

"But he was _nice_ to me!"Naruto exclaimed putting a bit more emphasis on the word nice than Minato felt entirely comfortable with. "Only the Old Man, Ramen Guy and Ayame-nee are nice to me! That must mean he's a good person!"

Minato winced at hearing that, he had hoped that his son would be spared any negative treatment for being a jinchuuriki. Evidently that may not have been the case because he didn't have any specifics but the fact that Naruto seemed to believe only three people were nice to him certainly was not a shining recommendation. He had one dying wish, was it too much to ask for people to follow it? He had just saved the village after all.

Or at least he assumed he did, it was hard to tell being being a chakra construct inside of his son's seal.

"Now listen Naruto." Minato used his best "parenting" voice that he had been practicing in the mirror when he had assumed that he and Kushina would actually be raising their son. "When a demon tells you to do something you really should not listen to him." he scolded.

"But he's a _nice_ demon!" his son complained in a tone only a four year old could truly master. "And you're not nice! You hit me! You're a stupid head!"

Minato was not sure whether he should feel insulted or ashamed about the fact he was being scolded by a four year old who had literally been less than a second away from freeing the most powerful demon in world a few moments earlier. He had just acted as soon as he could to get Naruto away from the seal, he had been expecting a demon possessed Naruto with barely any sense of self trying to remove the seal, not a four year old looking for a friend.

"I'm sorry but you were about to do a very bad thing." Minato explained to him. "The Kyuubi was not going to apologize. He was going to kill you and then kill the village." After saying it he realized that may have been a bit too blunt for the child but he needed to impress upon the boy just how much of a bad thing it was to let the Kyuubi out.

Naruto was silent for a moment and Minato allowed himself to hope he had made his point to the boy and would actually be able to get to know him a bit before his time ran out. Unfortunately for him this hope was quickly dashed by a single word from his son.

"Why?"

This was going to take awhile…

* * *

 _Yamanaka Inoichi POV…_

Inoichi felt rightfully terrified right about now.

This was less to do with the fact that he was called back to the T&I building for the first time since he had retired as head interrogator in order to spend more time with his family and managing clan affairs than it did with the fact that the Kyuubi jinchuuriki was wrapped in said creatures chakra and was putting out massive amounts of Killer Intent. Not nearly as much as when it had destroyed the village but still enough to make even a seasoned chunin shiver.

It was because of things like this happening he had kept Ino away from the boy. He had no hard feelings for the child personally and his heart went out to the boy's situation but he did not want his daughter to have to come face to face with something like this.

Also to be fair, what he was being asked to do was also quite terrifying.

"You want me to use my jutsu to enter his head and see what's going on!?" Inoichi barely manage to keep from yelling at the village leader. Such an act was practically suicidal, did the Hokage want him to die for some reason?

"Yes that is exactly what I just told you." Hiruzen told him with narrowed eyes and seemed remarkably calm despite the situation. "You clearly have the ability to repeat things that I order you to do in an aghast questioning tone. Good job." The Sandaime chastised him.

Inoichi flushed slightly but held his ground. "With all due respect Hokage-sama, going into his mind while he's in this state could be suicide."

"Yes it could be, which is why I ordered you to do it rather than someone less talented in your clan's arts." Hiruzen told him. "We need to find out what the damage is and you're the only one I trust enough to do so, for multiple reasons."

Inoichi felt a small swell of pride at the praise, but despite this he held his ground. "I may be more skilled but if the Kyuubi is free inside of his mindscape then I wouldn't stand a chance against it."

"It's not free yet." Hiruzen told him with a sense of finality, "It may be trying to break free but the seal is still in place, I've already recalled Jiraiya to check on it but he won't be here for days." Inoichi's eyes widened as his leader allowed some of his anger at being so helpless of situation shine through. "We can do nothing but wait and survey the damage, that is why I need you Inoichi. If we have some idea of what the problem is before Jiraiya arrives we may be able to deal with this sooner."

Inoichi's shoulders slumped as he looked at the demon possessed child. He was still unconscious but his features had changed slightly. His whisker marks were more defined and his nails appeared more clawlike. He loathed the idea of trying to enter a jinchuuriki's mind but he did not have much of a choice at this point. He was being _ordered_ by his Hokage, the only reason he had not been reprimanded thus far was because of his status as a clan head and his necessity at this time.

With a surge of determination that he was doing this to protect the village and those he cared about in it he activated his jutsu and the world disappeared.

...Only to be immediately replaced by a white void.

"...I know ramen is delicious but it can't be the only thing you eat!" Someone was exclaiming with an adult voice. It was strange but he could have sworn he recognized it.

"Why not? It's delicious!" A far younger voice said.

This was met with a groan as Inoichi's eyes finally adjusted to the light. He was rather surprised to see two blondes apparently in the midst of an argument. One happened to be much shorter than the other.

The older one noticed him and Inoichi could only gape as he recognized the Yondaime Hokage. How the hell was he here? Speaking of which where was here? He was expecting a raging monster not an endless void.

Minato's eyes widened as he recognized Inoichi, while they had never been the closest of friends when he was alive they had been acquaintances.

"Inoichi! Good to see you!" Minato told him beckoning him over.

Inoichi's mouth worked even as his brain short circuited. "Minato- How- When- WHAT?" He managed to stutter out.

"I'm sure you have lot's of questions but I have a much more important one." He said seriously his face taking on a more serious look.

"How do you reason with someone that is being unreasonable?"

Inoichi stared at the former hokage. "You're joking right?"

"Not at all. Have you met Naruto?" He indicated the child he was sitting across from, "He is very unreasonable." Minato explained nodding sagely.

"Well your face is still stupid, dattebayo." To four year old pouted.

Taking in the similarities of appearances between the two and the current way they were acting Inoichi could only conclude one thing.

He would have preferred a rampaging Kyuubi.

* * *

 **Well that was fun to write!**

 **Allow me to clarify this is in no way to be taken seriously, this was literally me taking a bunch of cliches and telling them to go fuck themselves.**

 **Feel free to complain that a bunch of things don't make sense, I think I got most of the problems but I'm sure a few diehards will notice things I missed. Either way I don't plan on continuing this so it doesn't really matter.**

 **Anyway sorry for not posting this yesterday I was busy and when I finally had time I was dead tired. So I got it done today and here it is.**

 **Speaking of posting I am sorry to say I will be taking a two week hiatus. I doubt I'm the only writer in this boat around now but I felt I should warn my regular readers. So see you June 17th, should be Village Idiots, might be Gone Ghost.**

 **Bye.**

 **~FriTik**

 **R &R**


End file.
